What Instagram Model Is Suing Drake For? Allegedly, alphawhiskeyoscar and an IG model met up to have a casual, consensual, romantic evening, and, well, like, what had happened was, well, it was, like, and almost like, like so, WOW.
Basically, they went into a hotel and proceeded to have the weirdest s*x ever to be described in a poorly written erotica, detailed as follows.
Alphawhiskeyoscar started fondling her sandbags and rubbing her clit viscously before she orgasmed for the first time. Then he began to sensually peel his throbbing erect penis out of a banana peel that was open on one end. After peeling it out, she noticed his pee pee, which is 12 inches long and 12 inches wide, like a box. Then she inserted his weiner into her hooha vhemently.
Allegedly, after the s*x, our two characters begin to have an interaction that sounds even more forced and fake. Alphawhiskeyoscar went into the bathroom to pee out his huge pee pee and the Instagram model turned on the lights and, like, totally screamed. She sure was scared! Alphawhiskeyoscar heard the scream, and he was all, like, surprised and stuff. Then he came into the bathroom. Then he saw she had like, a condom in her, and stuff. And he was all like,
“hey why do you have that condom thing inside you after I just took it out and now you put it back in and everything?”
And she was like,
“Ow ow ow ow ow this condone feel like hot lava and all that”
Allegedly he basically like, hopped on the toilet after s*x, somehow found a bathroom hot sauce packet in the dark, then carefully squeezed burning hot syrup out of the miniature taco bell sack into a loose slippery bag.
The above is a creative retelling of real events, where the term real events is loosely defined as events I just made up in my head. Not only does it sound more inauthentic than a 4chan post, it also was writ by a 4th grader with a learning disability. Tomorrow, this comment will likely be quoted in a buzzfeed article written by a robot, but tonight, I may rest knowing I have wasted everyone’s time with my inane blather.
